Claim now to receive you 5% smugness bonus!

Friends, Americans, Countrymen lend me your eyes. Kami joined the party a couple of weeks ago so I feel compelled to give y'all something to read. Did I just write y'all and not go back and delete it? Oh no, there I go again. It's good that I feel compelled to write because it means I am compelled to read and since I'm pretty useless at both of those things any guidance is helpful. I blame Kyle and Kiki for lending me other amazing books to read.

But can Donald Miller and Thomas Wright write better books than Jesus' old mate Matt? Well that's up for debate, but right now we have other more pressing matters things to discuss.

Don't do 'good' things where other people can see you doing them - is the message Jesus has for us at the start of installment 6. In Matt 6:2 he says you should do it in secret - God can see secret things that no one else can so why not do your good things there? I got to thinking that maybe it's a bit like when you have a secret den when you're a kid - oh come on you had a den - because it's secret and only you and your mate can go there that's suddenly where you want to do everything. Even things that don't need to be done in secret suddenly have to be just because you can. You wanna eat lunch? It should be done in the den. You wanna do your homework? Off to the den. You wanna do some knitting? no didn't think so. It's just because it's yours so you might as well make use of it. Maybe God is so pleased that only he can see things in secret he figures he ought to make good use.

Well it's a good thing that a friend of mine pointed out an important point to stop this stupid rant. No, there is probably more to it than the fact that secrecy has some Godly novelty value. Recently this friend has been telling me about one of the underlying themes of the bible - motive. I have always been a fan of the batman principle - "it is the sum of my actions which defines me", but there is clearly more to it than that. Perhaps it's the sum of the motives of your actions that defines you? If you buy up and orphanage and fix it up with the intention of selling it on at a profit, are you doing 'good' or not?

Well I think this is what Jesus is addressing - in this statement he challenges peoples motives. To paraphrase "All your good deeds aint worth jack, if you're just doing it to look good to others. So prove that's not the case by not telling them. Before you say it, God will still know so no excuses" (in this scene Jesus is being played by an american swamp farmer with 2 teeth and a straw hat).

This is actually surprisingly hard. I've been trying it recently - doing good things and not telling anyone. Obviously I cant tell you what they are, indeed this may be breaking the rules just to have mentioned it, but my motive is explanation so it's all good. Anyway, it's really hard! Although 90% of the feel good comes from the act, it's hard not to cash in the 5% smug bonus and 5% admiration reward. I guess no one said this would be easy.

On to the topic of prayer. This confuses me a lot. Jesus says that one should pray in private (matt 6:6) but I've been to a couple of church services and they seem to be very much into their public prayer. People do prayer circles and all sorts, and they seem to get a lot out of it. I always thought that the community aspect of christianity would encourage public prayer. Hmmmm, maybe it's a motive thing again. Maybe JC is saying, don't pray for the sake of other hearing, pray for the sake of God. I guess he's just gonna have the trust the little of ladies sitting around their coffee table saying grace before lunch - I'm sure they're not just showing off!

I never thought I'd say this but... Gordon Brown and Jesus Christ have something in common. Nope - it's not the fact that a whole race of people want to see Gordon Brown crucified. It's that they both agree we should spend spend spend! Gordon Brown thinks we can spend our way out of recession, well maybe he should draw on the wise words of Jesus. "Mr Speaker, if I may address the house. Our lord Jesus Christ once said 'Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.' So get down to your local shopping centre and buy some more junk you don't need at heavenly prices."

You cannot serve God and Money, apparently. Which is why the Catholic church has so much of it, they are looking after it to prevent commoners from being corrupted. You cannot serve God and Money but you can certainly serve him with it! Wow I am so cynical. This raises a more interesting point though, if you cannot serve two masters then what other masters must you give up in order to serve God? Can you serve friends and God? Can you serve family and God? Can you serve your partner and God? Eeeek I just don't know!

Matthew 6:25-34 is one of my favourite parts of Matt's book. So I'm going to say the least about it. Only that everyone should read it and love it. Jesus says not to worry, because it is all out of your hands. He says that there is nothing you can do by worrying, you cant add one single hour. Consider the lilies, they do not worry, God provides for them.

The cynic in me says that sometimes there are flash floods and the lilies get washed away and if only they had have worried enough to build themselves as little wall around their stem then maybe they would have been ok, and then I wonder where god was when the flood waters pulled up their roots and washed them into the river. But then I stop thinking and occupy myself with something less ridiculous.

Is it comforting to think that you have no control whatsoever? The Jury is out, and right now I'm still not casting a vote, it's a lovely if terrifying concept.

In the style of a Jerry Springer final thought I would like to leave you with Jesus' closing words: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Take care of yourselves, and each other.

My Useless Self

Wowsers - it has been a while. If I'm totally honest your humble narrator has been in no mood (nor state) to read, digest and comment recently. But today, heck, I'm back baby! It's been a day of really inspirational people picking me up, dusting me off and reminding me of a few home truths.

So lets see if the J-man has something inspirational to top the day off huh? We left our star sat a top a mountain with his mates with a brand new interpretation of some over-quoted scripture rattling round their heads. Better let the big man get back to the lesson.

Boy and Girls, turn your leather bounds to Matthew 5. Jesus is about to go on a rant about a whole (english) tonne of stuff. I'm not gonna go into all of it, just pick some bits out. He has some pretty high standards this Jesus fellow. Let's take his points on Murder. I dunno about you but I find murder quite tempting sometimes, I have a t-shirt that reads "some people are only alive because it's against the law to kill them", and sadly the sentiment isn't as far from the truth as you might hope! There are some terrible, frustratingly awful people about - just ask the Texan's, they go ahead and get rid of them. Whether seriously or not I'm sure most people have thought about what life would be like without someone in it. However to say that one should not murder another seems like a pretty sensible teaching.

But Jesus has to go one further. "I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment " (Matt 5:22). Woa - woa woa woa (sweet child of mine) - that's a pretty big ask. Not only can I not kill this terrible person but I can't even be angry? Or I can be angry but I'll have to be sorry for being so? I'm gonna find that pretty hard mate, wanna soften the blow a little? No. Apparently not. But Big J does go on to explain that this is as much to prevent you finding yourself in court as much as it is about anything spiritual (Matt 5:25-26). Maybe he was lookin out for those Texan judges who just can't resist. Still, I find it a bit strange that he brings up the legal system, he has no respect for the Pharisees, who by my (lack of) understanding were pretty involved in the whole legal system, religion and law being ever intertwined. So why bring it up? Was the thought of the gnashing teeth not enough to put the fear up the followers?

Adultery. This has been rattling around my head for quite a while. What on earth does he mean?! Here's the sentence I'm referring to: " If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." (Matt 5:29). He repeats the sentiment with the humble hand in the next line. So over looking the obvious 'maybe it's literal' - because that would be maaaaaaad - I struggle to read between the lines on on this one. If one part of you causes you to do something bad, disassociate yourself from it? If a gangster coats your feet in concrete and throws you in a lake, saw off your feet so you don't drown? Was Jesus preempting the Saw movie franchise?

I doubt it.

The only way I can read it that seems even slightly logical is to think that maybe he means that if you can't help but lust (that's the context of the sentence if you aren't familiar), then you should cut that person out of your life. If you just dont care what that hot girl from accounts' name is, if you couldn't give two hoots what that hunky fella's degree is in, then gouge them out of your life. Save the rest of your life by losing just that bit. If that IS what he is saying then wow, great advice it may be and I am strong enough? To cut ties with anyone I've found attractive? Maybe my interpretation of lust is different. Lets hope so.

Break through. Something Jesus and I agree on whole heartedly. Do not swear. No not bloody swear words. Don't swear by anything, let your word be your word and build a reputation by it. Wise word's champ.

Is it rude to call the Messiah 'champ'? Sure he'll get over it.

Now we get to one of the biggest thought provokers so far. I love this one. Love thy neighbour, but also love your enemy. What I love about this is that you hear it all the time, and most people (me included) think it's a ridiculous thing to say and when you ask the person who said it why on earth it's a good idea they will fob you off with some rubbish explanation like "We are all god's children, therefore we should love each other" that usually gets the response "well, i'll love these ones, you love those one's and we're all happy". But if these people who said it to me a) knew me and b) had actually read the passage, then they would know that there is a much better way to make me try it. I hate to shy away from a challenge, I don't much like being lowered to anyone's level, I like to think that I'm pretty good at most things, and if I'm not I usually will strive to at least hit the average mark.

Jesus says "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" (Matt 5:46-47).

That's it, point made - count me in! There really is nothing impressive, nothing to be proud of in loving people who are just like you. Where's the challenge? Across a 2000 year gap Jesus just threw a gauntlet at my feet (they hadn't even invented gauntlets yet!) and whether he knew it or not I'm not walking away from it. Today I helped a drunk Scotsman to order a taxi because the 'Pakis' (his word) couldn't understand his thick slurring Glaswegian. I did also point out (nicely) that it was as much his attitude and his drinking as their lineage that was causing most of the problem. Now you might think that a drunken Scot is not a massive venture from myself, but he certainly wasn't the sort of people I would usually stick around to chat to on the way to work. Small steps. Consider the challenge accepted.

I also love that Matty Boy the Tax Collector heard this slur on a blatant stereotyping of his career choice and instead of debating it, or indeed getting angry, he wrote it down for the world to read. Good boy!

In 5:14-16 Matt tells us of how Jesus sees people as like candles. You wouldn't light a candle just to hide it away - you make the most of it's power to illuminate by raising it high. Makes you think of the good Christians who are happy to sit in their houses and pray to be saved only venturing outside to attend church before hiding away from the world again to protect themselves from we heathen's terrible influence. Open the curtains - time to shine.

On the subject of candles I will entertain you with a poem. Let me set the scene. I'm in Florence with a small school party, we are on a writing week with world famous poet Carol Anne Duffy and author Jackie Kay. We are in the Duomo, if you haven't been - go. Miss Duffy sets us a writing task (I hate writing tasks) she says 'pick an object in the duomo and write a poem about it, you have an hour'. I hate forced poetry so naturally I spent 58 minutes actually enjoying looking around the cathedral and quickly throw together my poem before joining the group to 'share'. Carol Anne picked someone to read, they had chosen one of the statues - it was all about how the statue looked down on the people from overhead... blah blah blah. unfortunately for me Carol Anne already knew was a bit a cocky shit and decided that it would be best if I shared my poem too, she probably wasn't expecting what she got.

La Candella (thats italian ya know!)

Twinkle twinkle little candle,
You're so hot, too hot to handle
Next to you all things move slow-mo,
Twinkle twinkle in the Duomo.

Until next time, let's hope it's not another month,...

Jesus loves manly hiking expeditions too.

I forgot to mention in my last post that in my head John the Baptist is Samuel L. Jackson. If that helps set the scene as I see it then all the better. So here we are, mad-man John (played by Mr Jackson) has been a ranting and raving about the coming of a saviour and then Jesus rocks up gets baptised in some quirky right-of-passage, then the Holy Spirit joins the party and God proclaims (loudly or quietly) that he's happy for Jesus to go ahead and get on with the proceedings.

I wonder what the Holy Spirit that descended looked like exactly. Matthew describes it as 'like a dove' but also says that it is 'lighting on him'. I don't know how you would identify that as a holy spirit or how you would decide to call it that, maybe Jesus gave some insight.

So Jesus follows the spirit in it's dove/spotlight form in the desert. After 40 days and 40 nights of not eating or drinking he's tempted by "The Tempter" (Matt 4:3). With the power of scripture knowledge alone Jesus repels this threat by spouting sound reasoning. I don't know about you but if I don't eat or drink for 40 minutes I start hallucinating so I would say that it is entirely possible Jesus could have gone a bit loopy from breathing in too much sand after 40 days. But what strikes me as more interesting is that Jesus went alone, that's part of the point - that he was alone in the desert with no food and drink. So the only account of these events would be his own and Matthew the Tax collector laps it up. A man walks out of the desert over a month after he wanders in following a spot light, says he was tempted by the devil but resisted and that angels looked after him and this logical number cruncher hears the tale and runs with it. Must have been the way he told it!

After stopping briefly to fulfil yet another prophesy Jesus decides it's time. This is it. Jesus is ready to teach. This is big, Jesus, Son of God, teacher of teachers, is ready to give his first advice to the world. What pearl of wisdom did he hit them with? "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." (Matt 4:17). Wow. I bet that was a refreshing change for the punters. I bet afterwards he wished he had just waited a little while and thought about what his first lesson was gonna be so as to sound less like the preacher with the sandwich board that stands in the city centre (that's downtown for you american folk). But I guess he had 30 odd years to come up with his first lesson so maybe that was exactly what he wanted to say - I guess it's direct to the point!

Back to those prophesies for moment. He's getting through them pretty quickly! Matthew being the facts man he appears to be is very keen to point out every two seconds that pretty much everything Jesus does was fore told at some point. The cynic in me wants to say yeah well the prophesies would be well known and you could certainly go about trying to ensure you fulfilled a lot of them. But this is an impressive rate of completion by anyones standards. I'm not gonna go researching the exact ins and outs of the prophesies but suffice to say I'm impressed.

Ok, back to the story. No man is an island and Jesus needs some cronies, so one day when he's walking along the beach and spots two guys and he decides these guys are gonna be his new best mates. Humour me for a minute. You're a fisherman, it's all you know, one day so chap struts up and says 'alright lads, come with me and I'll help you do something more with you life', so you jump up and go...?! No. You think 'cheers mate but I'm pretty good at this finishing lark and you're a bit odd.' But no, they just up and go. Maybe he gave them a tenner and a portion of chips to sweeten the deal? As if that wasn't strange enough the same thing happens again when he ask two more guys! I bet Zebedee was really pleased that his two sons wandered off to follow this loon, leaving him with nets to fix and debts to pay (to one of matts mates) (that's totally made up Zebedee may or may not have been rolling in dosh). It's an impressive skill though, to ask folk to leave their lives and follow you and for them to just do it. Maybe he asked loads of people and they all turned him down but he just decided not to tell anyone.

Jesus goes about teaching and healing people (Matt 4:23). Matty boy is very blasé about the whole performance of Jesus' first miracles, he doesn't even say that anyone else was amazed, I guess healers were two-a-penny back then. He does say that it was enough to get Jesus a following though which set him up for something that every christian in the world loves to rave about - his hiking expedition.

Last weekend myself and the Manvas crew took a little hiking trip out to the Malvern hills to do manly things like make snow angels and snow babies and to admire the pretty foliage, it was really good to get out of the hustle and bustle of life with a few mates and get up high to gain some perspective. Jesus was a hiking man too, so to get away from the crowds he climbed a hill and waited for the boys to arrive. If they weren't in Galilee they probably would have made snow angels too - they could even have asked Joseph what the real one looked like. Now it's time for Jesus to flex those teaching muscles, I bet he wishes he'd come up with this sermon for his first venture into teaching but hey - nobody's perfect ;)

I've never been a fan of The Beautitudes (Matt 5:1-11). I think my problem extends from my least favourite hymn verse, from 'All things bright and beautiful' : "The rich man in his castle, the poor man at his gate, god made them high or lowly and ordered their estate". What I hate about it is that it effectively translates to 'ok so you're poor, but don't go being jealous of the rich or being angry at the injustice, this is how god made your life so put up and shut up' which I think is a terrible message that leaves the masses open to all sorts of exploitation by people in 'authority'. This was also how I always viewed The Beautitudes and I think it's all down to the word 'meek'. The meek shall inherit the earth is pretty much the most quoted part of the this chapter. Now to me 'meek' means spineless, weak, submissive - see where my line of thought is going?

But to read them properly shows that it's not like this at all. It took a sharp (virtual) punch to the nose from a friend for me to actually consider them properly. You see, before I always thought that Jesus was saying people with these attributes are the people god likes most, the people who will get to go to heaven, therefore be more like these people: more meek etc. But I'm not so sure that's the case at all. Maybe Jesus was saying that these are the people who will most benefit from what he has to bring to the table. These people will feel blessed because all of their short fallings and all of their problems and frustrations will be resolved, maybe he isn't saying be more meek so you feel more blessed, but that is you do feel meek then you're about to be blessed with a great relief. Maybe.

So that's where I'll leave it for today. Oh so much more to come from The Sermon in the Malverns, I mean On The Mount. If you wanna laugh the following link is a clip of one of my favourite films, based on said sermon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiDmMBIyfsU. Don't forget - "Blessed are the cheesemakers"...

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you The New Testament

Some time after finishing reading Matthew I realised that my thought process is very much an 'in the moment' thing and that all the things I had thought of to say were long gone. So I restarted. This time I will be writing as I go. I'm actually really pleased I started over because it has been pointed out to me that I was looking at this book all wrong, well not all wrong, but I certainly wasn't looking at all of it. I changed Jesus' voice in my head so now he sounds more like that guy everyone knows who almost never raises his voice and some how can say the harshest thing to you without offending. But we'll get to Jesus in a minute because he's kinda mute for a little while.

I don't know if Matthew knew he was writing the first book of the New Testament, or even if there was an order set for a reason, but whether he knew it or not Matthew's book was to become the first. It was probably for the best that he didn't know, after all how would you start the first installment of something that has to tell everyone in the nicest way possible that the game has changed and that your position on the board isn't where it used to be and a lot of the rules have changed?

I don't know if I expected an introduction along the lines of "Hi everyone, my name is Matthew and I used to be a tax collector... this is the story of Jesus..." but it certainly isn't there. No instead Matthew welcomes everyone to the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a list of his geneology. I'm sure it's a really important point to a lot of people but it's not the way to draw your readers in. I think this says two things about Matthew. Firstly he's no writer. It's probably a good thing, a writer would be easily tempted to twist truth to make good stories or bury the truths in clever constructions and styles. It leads me to believe that what Matthew writes is pretty much just his thoughts on paper, he has what he wants to say and he writes it. Secondly he doesnt have time for small talk. He just jumps straight into listing a names of ancestors like he can't wait to get it off his chest, maybe he thought that was he was writing was so important that he just couldn't wait to share it. Either way, he opens his account with a list - like every good tax man.

So what is it that Matthew is so desperate to say?

Well the second chapter describes Jesus's birth and all about how his parents hid him from herod... you know, the nativity stuff. What strikes me is how short work Matthew makes of it. I dunno about you but to me a Virgin birth, Joseph's acceptance of it, multiple angel visits, tricking a powerful ruler and hiding the messiah in exile are pretty big deals but Matty boy covers it all in what 20 sentances?! In Matt's eyes it was clearly worth a mention but not worth wasting too much time on. He wanted to get on to something bigger, so do I, so lets go. One thing I notice is that Matthew isn't an emotions man - he never says "Joseph was pretty upset that his virgin wife was pregnant" he's a facts man. OK onward.

John Prepares the Way. Now Matt doesn't appear to feel the need to explain the passage of time between his brief run over Jesus' birth and his baptism except to mention John the Baptist. Reading about John I'm left wondering what would happen if some crazy fellow started ranting and raving in the 'wilderness' today, eating insects and dipping folk in water. Scary cult stuff. I doubt people would travel from all over the region to join in. I'd probably look it up on youtube though, so maybe if there were no youtube I would make a trip to see him just to see the spectacle. It appears he doesnt have a very high regard to religious leaders either, he's certainly got balls this fella. But how did John know this baptism lark? did it come to him in a dream? Did he just decide 'I think i will dip folk in water and say some magic words to prepare them for Jesus' arrival'? Matt doesnt know, nor care because he's working up to this...

So Jesus rocks up. As I said Matthew doesnt bother saying how long it's been or what Jesus has been up to but I'm reliably informed he's about 30. Another fortunate thing for me is that I spoke to Rach before writing this and learnt that J the B was infact Jesus' cousin. That's good news because I was ready to go off wondering how John immediately knows who Jesus is when he arrives. John doesnt wanna baptise him - fair enough in the circumstances, I wouldnt wanna give tennis lessons to Rapha Nedal either - but Jesus insists with the words "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." (Matt 3:15). Welcome to cryptic Jesus, it's all down hill from here. Maybe the 30 year gap was spent thinking up confusing ways to say things! in order to fulfill righteousness? Like some gateway Jesus has to pass through to become super-jesus. Maybe it was an instruction before he left the house:

God : "Now, have you got everything?"
Jesus : "Yes Dad"
God: "Do you remember the plan?"
Jesus: "Yes Dad"
God: " Oh one more thing, before you do all those things we had planned first you have to spend thirty years growing up not doing too much, then when you're ready go get baptised, then if I'm happy and I think you're ready we can go from there"

(God played by Brian Blessed, Jesus by that ginger guy from Love Actually and the BT adverts)

Either way it seems to me like it was a sign that he was ready for the big stuff, to start he teaching. Afterwards the 'rises out of the water' maybe that means gets out of, maybe it means flys, and God speaks. How loud do you suppose god speaks? When he says "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." do you suppose that it was just enough for John and the surrounding folk to hear? I mean God's gotta be pretty loud for his voice to get down here. Just a thought.

Ok so this post was pretty dull, but it gets better I promise. More to come very soon!

Welcome - That description in full!

First Blog-ble post. Kinda daunting, like the first step of a long journey when you slam the door behind you with the sneaking suspicion that you have left something really important behind. Fortunately I have some pretty good guides on my side for this trip, who know who they are, to tell me when I'm being ridiculous and steer me straight. Hopefully even though they have walked this road many a time they will still find things they missed, or at least enjoy my comments on the scenery.

Blogger capped my description of this blog at 500 characters so here is that description in full:

Over the last year or so I've met some pretty amazing people. A lot of them are very different to the kind of people I have usually spent my time with. Of these people, amazing people, a lot of them have one thing in common. Jesus.

Wow even just typing that down sounds as lame as I would have predicted. But I don't mean they go to church (though some do), or that they think bad people go to hell (though some do), or even that they agree on even some of the most fundamental issues (though... no actually that's right, none of them do), but what binds them is a genuine following of the teachings of Jesus.

So I thought I had better see what all the fuss was about.

Feeling like you could do with some fresh air? Well journeys are as much about the company you keep as the places you go so I'd be delighted to have you along. Share your thoughts on all the things I comment on, add you own opinions, ask questions, tell me I'm totally off the point if you like. I would love to hear everyones opinions.

Oh and if you have a spare pair of socks that'd be great - just realised that that's probably what I forgot.

Ash x